Not just new chapters, I need a new book!

Today is the beginning of a whole new book for me. For the past 3 years I have sat back and questioned everything about me, my life, my past, my present, my future and I came to one conclusion....It just simply sucked! Now don't get me wrong, I have had some great things happen along the way. I am lucky mom to six beautiful children, I have ran a successful business, and I have even fulfilled a dream of doing stand-up comedy. My 41 years on this earth have not all been bad but when things went wrong, they went terribly wrong. I grew up with a bi-polar mom, was abducted at 15, and to top it all off, I walked in to find my husband of 19 years undressing my best friend, in of all places, my craft room. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was shortly after that I developed a disorder, PTSD, that would quickly debilitate me to the point of life or death.

You see, three years ago I was living a dream. My therapist coined it the 'princess syndrome'. I was very happily married to my high school sweetheart. We had made a great life together. I was a stay-at-home mom and he was an administrator for the local school system. Even after almost two decades, we were still very much in love, at least I thought we were. We had four amazing children, three boys and our last, a girl. We had a nice house, a dog, and yearly trips to the beach. Life couldn't get any better. I owned a successful local craft business and was selling all over the world to boutiques. It was fabulous. I worked side by side with my best friend. We took our crafts to fairs, festivals, and markets. We did very well and had a ton of fun doing it. My husband was supportive of our venture and didn't seem to mind the late nights her and I would stay up together. Then the life that I knew was snatched in an instant when my husband announced he didn't want to be a dad or a husband anymore and was leaving me for another woman, that woman being my best friend and business partner. (I soon found out she was just one of many. In fact, hes now married to one of them) I was in shock, denial, and disbelief. This simply can't be true! It was. He left but then came back and had a change of heart, apparently the reality of it all was too much and he wanted to work things out. If only I would change something, be more of what he wanted, he could find his happiness. 

Fast forward a few months, I changed alright, into a bitter, hateful woman full of rage and despair. The once fun, energetic, sometimes crazy girl had instantly died that day and they new one was none of those things. I had been living in such denial for so long of the true nature of my husband, that I wasn't even able to understand what happened. This was the end of me. I no longer existed. Loosing your best friend and husband was nothing compared to loosing yourself. That one has taken much longer to recover from and that is where I am today. 

My life is so much better now. I have a husband who is so deeply in love with me I can hardly stand it. Our relationship has been an odd one but the best ever. We have a new baby born 10 weeks premature that hasn't even hit her due date yet, and are balancing a life of ex's and step-kids (on both sides) as well as our own past demons that like to come out and play. But let me tell you, this life is SO much better. When you walk into our home it's one of love, respect, patience, and compassion. We listen to each other, truly listen. We take notes and we work on our faults. We don't allow the other to retreat into self pity. We work on ourselves so we are the best for each other....and that is why I am writing this blog. 

This past week I have been pondering how to get over the pain of my past. The total destruction of my soul. It still haunts me. I have trouble sleeping most nights and I am angry a lot, completely opposite of who I used to be. I want that fairy-tale but I won't get it sitting still. I have tried counseling,  support groups, self-help books, all to no avail. Someone told me once that when I stop thinking about suicide and start thinking about homicide I'm on the right track. Well, if that's the case, then my future just got a lot brighter. So, this morning I woke up, made a cup of coffee and found myself angry again at how life didn't hand me lemons, it handed me the damn seeds! Then it hit me, I can only truly be happy if I am just that....HAPPY... and what makes me happy? Cookies! So that's what I made for breakfast, cookies. Then I hopped on my computer, sighed up for a blog and decided I would start there. This blog isn't for you, it's for me, but I hope along the way you find some humor, encouragement, and strength as I hit life's battle field with nothing more than a glue gun, keyboard, and a camera. This is my journey to a 'happy destiny'. Cookies anyone?